Thursday, May 10, 2012

Tiny Hands

It happened much like the other six. I went in for my scheduled appointment, this one for 16 weeks. When the nurse couldn't find the heart beat with the Doppler they wheeled in the little ultra sound machine. He looked and looked for a heart beat, but the baby wasn't moving. At all. So, I knew.
But something was different from the last six babies we lost. This time I was further along. I had made it 16 weeks. Each of the others were lost between 8 and 12 weeks. And since my body didn't kick into gear and start to miscarry on its own (though it probably would have if I had been willing to wait for up to 6 weeks for that to happen) I went in for a D&C each time. It is amazing how much a baby grows in four short weeks. This time, since the baby was bigger, I would deliver.
We went into Labor and Delivery on Saturday, April 20th. It was a calm, quiet and peaceful experience. And very sad, of course. And yet, I was glad for this experience. With every other loss I was left feeling like something was missing. I would go in, be put to sleep pregnant, and wake up not pregnant. All those weeks of feeling sick and tired and miserable, with nothing to show for it.  No sign of a baby after. No gesture I could do to show my love. This time there was a baby. We held the baby. They were pretty sure the baby was a boy, but not 100% sure. I couldn't tell either. One more week and they could have been sure.  Sam had chosen names. Andrew for a boy and Cassie for a girl. We named him Andy. It was a name we could still honor Sam's choice with and also feel fine about if the baby was a girl after all.  He was wrapped in a bunting and a blanket. We saw his face and his tiny hands and feet. We took pictures. A very sweet person came in and made casts of his hands and feet.  We loved him and we were able to show it.
I feel like this time, I had some closure. I can't describe the peace I felt looking at those tiny, perfect hands, seeing that for all those miserable weeks of being pregnant my body was actually doing something.
We will show Andy our love again this Saturday at a remembrance walk through the gardens at Thanksgiving Point.
We are so blessed by the knowledge we have about the nature of our spirits, that they don't cease to exist. The restored gospel has given us the knowledge of life after death. We are grateful for a Savior to whom we can hand over our burdens and heartaches. And we are so grateful for the temple blessings allowed our family and so glad we can be an eternal family. We hold Sam and Lola a little bit closer and a little bit longer. We take these experiences as motivation to be sure we are living worthy to be an eternal family, so that one day we can hold all those tiny hands once again.


The Yuan Fam said...

Such sweet words from one of the strongest woman I know! I love you!!

The Yuan Fam said...

Strongest women? Strongest person...that sounds better.

Kathy said...

Oh Julie -

Love you! Love all of you.

Love, Aunt Kathy

Michelle said...

I am so sorry Julie. Love you, hugs!!!

Becky said...

I love you! Wish I could give all of you a big hug.

Shan @ Design Gal said...

Julie, this post totally made me cry. I so related to what you wrote- "All those weeks of feeling sick and tired and miserable, with nothing to show for it. No sign of a baby after."
Miscarrying is so hard- so much harder than I could have imagined. Thank you for sharing your experience and your testimony.

Shauna Klippel said...

Julie, you are wonderful. Thank you for sharing this personal experience so we can better understand and have you in our hearts. I'm sorry about this, there really aren't words, but know that I love you and am grateful for your example and faith, really, it means a lot. Thinking of you and lots of prayers your way,


Jenna Anderson said...

Julie, I am so heartbroken for your losses. I am so glad you got to hold your sweet baby and have those moments. You really are so strong. I admire your testimony. Thank you for sharing... and for strengthening mine.