Friday, September 12, 2008

My new Diet

I had an epiphany yesterday. As many of you remember, and some of you probably never knew this; I sucked my thumb until I was about 10 years old.
Matt and I saw a big kid (somewhere between 5 and 6) at church (regional conference) with a pacifier in his mouth. It stayed there the whole time. At first I was freaked out, but then I realized how quiet he was. While my 7 year old:
-rolled around under our bench and
-popped up and layed on the bench in front of us, and
-went out to get a drink - THREE times, and
-made me hold him like a baby and pretend to feed him a bottle while he made a sucking motion with his mouth, and
-drew pictures and made us guess what they were and
-yelled, "That hurt DAD!!" when Matt tried to get him up from rolling under us, and
-invited his grandparents (who were sitting with us) to his school Farnival (Carnival) and
-begged to sit on the balcony of the tabernacle.
While my kid did all this, the pacifier kid sat quietly on his mom's lap the whole two hours. So Matt and I are looking the kid and I said, "You know, I sucked my thumb until I was ten."
His response, "GROSS!"
Almost a week goes by and then the epiphany. I didn't start getting pudgy until I stopped sucking my thumb! I gave up the comfort of my thumb and must have switched to the comfort of food. So, as of yesterday, I'm back on the thumb.
Yes, there are drawbacks to this diet. Besides the social awkwardness, my thumb will stink and start to get misshapen. I'll probably start catching more colds and other sicknesses, not to mention diarrhea. But really, won't those things help the cause? I'll have to spend a lot of time in bed, more time to suck. Oh, I'll try to wash my hands before and after every thumb sucking session, but I'm sure there will be those times when it's just not possible.
For example, what if I'm walking down the isles of the grocery store just perusing the merchandise, and all of a sudden I end up right by the Zingers, which we all know are Twinkies in their greatest form - but only the ones with the raspberry and coconut? What shall I do in this situation. Shopping carts are notorious for all the germs on the handle. But there are the Zingers. My only choice is to insert the thumb and walk away. There's no time for hand washing.
What if Matt takes me to Olive Garden and I vow to myself to order just some light soup and salad. But then the menu comes, the menu that has greasy fingerprints on it from the guy before me who was still reading it, thinking about his entree while eating his appetizer and licking his fingers after every bite. Of course I have to look in the menu to choose my soup, but then I see the fettechinni Alfredo. Insert thumb until the server comes back. By then I'll feel fine from the comforting influence of the thumb and I'll be ready to order just a salad, forget the soup. But again, no time to wash.
I'm convinced this is the answer to all my personal issues. If I hadn't given up the thumb twenty years ago, I wouldn't be the messed up person I am today.
Here's to a new me. (I just "toasted" my thumb towards the monitor.)

9 comments:

Emily said...

Love this post Julie, you CRACKED me up! I cant blame my fatness on anything! HELP?!?!?

Becky said...

Ha ha ha ha! What does Matt think of your new diet?
I do hope you will keep us updated on all your thumb sucking diet adventures!
Do you think birds will start pooping on you again?

Reno Wells said...

Good luck with that - but if you start sucking your thumb again, you can't wear earings anymore.

Jeanna said...

I for one will not be ashamed to be seen with my thumb-sucking, beautifully svelte SIL. Rock on...and here's to you kid (me, lifting my thumb to you!)

Jessica B said...

Wow Julie. I needed a good laugh. I wish you all the best.
This is a fail proof diet because you have already decided to heck with germs.

The Hungry said...

Love that! I think we need to hear the stories about pooping birds and thumbs and earrings. Actually, I think I have the earrings one figured out - sounds like an insentive program - maybe? Have a happy day!

Reno Wells said...

To change the background - go to layouts and choose the plain minima layout and you should see the change.

Kim said...

Oh, Julie, Julie, come visit me. I miss you.

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